Twilight Zone

Thanks to

To my Allah, for having still gives me health, grace and life so that I can finish my writing this time well

To my parents, family and best friends, for supporting my efforts.

To my lecturer, Syamsul Bahri. M.Hum, for suggesting I dust off my writing skills.

To my informant who have inspired me to write a novel and allow me to make the story of her life as the idea of this novel.

Luckily for me everyone in my family is a dreamer and strong mind. 

Mom, Dad..

It is the rainy season was supposed, but I did not find a drop of water to mark the coolness of soul. 15 September 2005, I was lying on a piece of blue cloth that covered most of the body of green grass. The face that slammed the wind, whisper a peace on the both ears. Eyes were entertained by the dance group of pigeons browned. And I'm in reconciled by the time the spoil in justice. Unfortunately, unhappy thing, shared with others. In because they has changed, they were not as usual, and because of it, they away.

The silence became the best friends, always told him even without reaping the desired results. Maybe this is better than in the case souls to be disturbed and slapped by a problem that makes it more better frail. Perhaps, this is better.

At that time, Boredom was sipping life. Although the wind was try its best to caress the surface of the crystal clear lake water. Green surface, pure content. Make it beautiful, make it live, making it soft, making it different. But I remained glued to the reverie that brings me to the level of beauty.

I tempted to think of my boundary line. I am a dreamer woman who hopes the dreams become real. I am a woman, dreaming too much to make life go back to the beginning. In its proper place, on the way that brings the happiness intact. Straight path, without curves, without blocking of thorns in every step for achieving the perfection of life.

I was affected in the condition. Pure gaze transformed into empty. My mind was swinging in the room and others things. I was preoccupied with the hope that there might be real. Then I thought of the dark past. Where I have to fight for the name of the hardness of heart of a woman, I am strong even in the overflow of tears.

16 years ago, when a simple house to be a house that is very special in the eyes of others. A house that is envied by millions of souls. A house that has been accustomed to be inundated by the laughter, the clamor of the story of the past, the real depicted through the happy of photo albums. Unfortunately, the photo album will forever be a thing that should be, the memories of the past that could not be strung together again.

Just like a happy life, although composed of simple components. We were supposed instill role, which is like should be, with reasonable size. I am the eldest child and the youngest child of a father who is very romantic. I am a Nur Ningsih 16 year old girl born from a mother who is pretty and hardworking.

I'm very happy, having a small warm family. As a twilight that arrives in the warmth, not cold or hot. I always hope in the night, so that the night would understand dryness heart, so that the night would hasten away and get away until bring back again the twilight in the warmth and hope that should be forever like that in the warm.

Twilight had finally come. Right in the straight line, on the corner of the house I was waiting. I moved in front of the window of house that unobstructed curtain of bamboo as a sun protector. I open little by little, until the warm twilight entered blemish curtain and penetrate window glass.

I did not intentionally, seen a middle-aged man and woman back to the vision. They stood on the home page and did a tremendous strife. The man was wearing a dark blue shirt with light hitting her head with his own hands.

I spontaneously screamed inwardly. Not a word or a piece screams coming out of my mouth. Only my eyes bulging out, observing deeply what really happened. My body limp, as if my joints already exhausted by the water boiled and frozen, chilling me to stand, as in battle, the fear sweat dripping exhausted.

Middle-aged woman was crying so sad, then she tried to slap him with harsh words. He was not running out of ways to satisfy lust anger. He uses his right leg and pushed the female body. The woman was dropped off at a plot of moist soil. Her left cheek struck down of sharp gravel that has a rough surface. Therefore, the strong encouragement and friction between two surfaces which was not flat, it must inevitably smooth cheeks to be scratched and bloody.

I was an innocent girl said them and never have the experience of violence in any form. The incident was a very valuable experience for me to take any action and smart to keep it away from anyone. I turned my face in the opposite direction. My heart was unable to continue and watch what will happen after that. Not infrequently, curiosity to intervene and stop the atrocities that raged in my heart. But unfortunately fear greater than any sense whatsoever.

And now, my mind is more control of my body than my heart to keep watch what will happen next. I also turned my body back and stared at the court house where a brawl that took place earlier.

I looked at it carefully, every inch scenery, every corner of the court, but I also did not find a man and a middle-aged woman in the place. There was no sign of violence took place. There was no sound at all the fray again. All the circumstances were changing so quickly. The change was not until my follow well.

I returned to my room, pulled the covers and re-think about it. The figure they are not so clearly because of foliage, as familiar to me. From their body language, their gestures, body posture, voice shrill. Ah. . I don’t know, from where it can be definitely inferred. But why this feeling becomes sad and hurt.

My reverie interrupted, when I heard a knock on the door room flowing in my ears, I snapped. "Tok-tok-tok,,,, honey .... you in? your mom would come in, open the door, girl,,, "

I hasten to get out of my bed and opened the door for mom. "Mom? You have reached home? Usually you back to home late at night "I said, softly.

"Yes, honey, your father picked me to go home because she said you were sick and did not want to go to school today, is that honey?" Said my mo, full of attention gently stroking my hair black.

"Yes mom, I was not feeling well this morning. But not anymore. I am good now. See this mom.. am I a stronger, right? "(Open right sleeve and show off my muscles owned small). We laughed together with jokes that tickled the stomach.

As the jokes was running, I became aware of something that escaped from my sight. There was a bandage that adorn to the left mom’s cheek. Which part of the body bandages covered by hairs.

Then I was asked in a tone that is all that softness. "Mom, what is that in your face? You hurt? "Then she replied,

"Oh, this? no honey, I am good "only minor injuries as a result of a car door. I am too want to make became fast to enter the house so I was not careful to pay attention to the streets until finally cheek become like this."

Odd reason it beats in my heart, I ask for the truth, once again. "Is it true mom? Aren’t you lie? "

"Of course not, honey. How could you think I'm lying? ". Said her.

"I'm sorry ma'am, I'm sorry your dubious honesty."

 "Yes, hony, there's nothing that can be debated again instead? Now get back rest and I want to go back to the room. "

"Okay mom." Answer me.

Suddenly I remembered by two middle-aged people who are in the courtyard of the house, on the outside gate of the house in the middle of the road. Suddenly I thought bad, when the middle-aged women and men they are my mother and father. They fight and injure each other. But why? Why she lie to me? When the truth thing happened.

I really couldn’t rest properly. Thought about it and constantly approached mind. I decided to go down and pick up some snacks to the kitchen.

I heard a groan very sad when I pass my parents room. The cries that sounded small, but full of flavor the load in every sob.

I want to know what really happened to mom. Why my mother to moan like that. I was very concerned with this condition. But once more, my fear paralyze that my bones to move into my parents room.

I was afraid my impudence in the affairs of a great result all been complicated. I'm afraid, if the bitter reality that never crossed my mind occurred to my mom.

How might I be able to see them that I love have to feel the pain. Although my mom often did not have time for me and wasted my growth period. Mom had to work from morning, 07: 00 pm to 19: 00 pm, and my mom often should reduce the time at home and work more until late at night.

While my daddy worked as a draper who only using old motor cycle to his vehicle. No need considerable time to works, at least I have the attention and affection more can I get from the dad.

My belief was strong and so strong.. Whatever will be do, it is ok. Despite the bitterness that comes, I will face. Bitterness which actually does not occur directly in front of the eyes, harmony in the family during this show turns apparent, I was ready even though it is true if the mother is a middle-aged woman who I saw in the courtyard of the house that afternoon.

I knocked on the door of the room. The first knock, the second knock, third knock.. I did not get results.

Until the 4th knock almost landed on the milky white door, door was opened so slowly. A middle-aged man, with a sharp nose, high posture said "good night". The words it is not unusual to hear from the lips of my daddy. But I did ignore the problem.

I focused on the problems that I want to know what the answer, I asked my daddy where is my mom exist. I wanted to meet my mom that’s time. 

A drop of sweat fell on the right eyelid father. My suspicions deepened, my fears increased sharply. Anxiety dominated the soul. Without waiting for an answer from the father, my little body into the mother's room. I saw the mother lying in a room with two piles of white pillows withy mother's head. A groan was heard again, moaning mother complained of pain. While the father's face soaked in sweat concerns. I looked at the father's eyes - in and suspicion focused on a pair of eyes that worried.

"Mom, what is going on? What happened to you? "I muttered and then cry.

"I am ok, only toothache" her murmured.

I believe when it was, and I returned to the room quietly without any anxiety or concerns that lie blanketed miscellaneous face my parents.

A few days later. By which time it was a very sunny day earlier, but I don’t know why the storm seemed to come without permission and in law.

Dark clouds envelop our housing, shortly after it rains the region to be the only way out of housing.

The sky was dark and so dark, melodious wind, run and run fast and so tight. But we decided to keep going and carry out the obligations that were on our shoulders.

First, the father hastened to take the mother to go work with our milk chocolate colored car. During our trip looked like a very harmonious family. In because of the heavy rain and waking up too late, we did not have time for breakfast. But my mom took the breakfast in boxes for us. Mother bribed the food into my mouth and also daddy. I could not believe it when the mom and dad are a person who yesterday I saw.

Time passed in its own way. Now have disappeared from Monday morning cold. Pick up the rest of the afternoon to another smile, and that means it's time to come home from to the school. Today the weather was not become a good friends as my wish. Rain, it is my beautiful rain still like to accompany us. I looked at with a view straight ahead, right and left with eyes wide open exit, want to make sure the conditions in which my daddy will pick up or not.

The sound of car’s engine heard, the sound of the horn. The voices that long ago I was waiting for, finally arrived. "Daddyyy………..” called me cheerfully, waving a hand. From the opposite direction, he waved his toward me. I ran towards the car with rain heads collided my body.

Arriving at yard of home, father felt a lump in his heart. How it is possible that he locked the gate this morning, and now could be open by itself. Without the slightest damage that he could found. The rain still fell heavy, wet the plants that did not have any shade. Likewise with the daddy, staring at the gate suspicious.

We entered into the house with caution. Full foot with beats. Once more, dad found suspicion, which the door was not locked. Daddy holding my hand tightly, maybe he was afraid something bad will replace us suddenly.

There was no iota of damage that can be found in the living room, all appliances and valuables were in place. Thieves? Where the thief who took this no single valuables. The positive thinking when my dad, he assured himself if he was the one already remiss not lock the door and fence. He ordered me to go back to the room and hasten replace school uniforms.

I was up the stairs and into the house. But before I put school bag on the table pink learn it, I heard a scream out of my dad who was angry. I trembled at the sound of it, I was afraid something bad has happened to him. I decided to leave the room and hasten my parents went to the room where the origin of the sound comes.

And I have to watch it shall not act that I witnessed. I did not deserve to force me to faced with domestic problems like this which very complicated. I really do not understand this, God!

I saw a previous romantic father, a father who was very gentle and affectionate, now turned into such a wild who want to eat their prey.

His eyes were flushed, the veins of the neck and his hands seemed to want to get out. As he was about to collect all power and ready to hit the enemies.

There I witnessed all events be exact. Household rift that had been in buried, on hold and hide from me. Maybe now my parents did not have the strength anymore to hide it from my bitter reality.

I saw a mother who I loved lying on a basket with another man. By and only use the mini clothe, they were at the same bed. Cover half their body with plain white blanket as satisfying moment has touchable.

Actually, I still did not understand what that has to do with the man's mother at a time when it was. But what I feel was, I did not like another man approached the mother unless the father.

There I also saw a very frightened expression daddy to mom who was angry. He was like a crazy one, he could not control his emotions again. He beat the young man with so rough. Bruises were visible on his face. Blood coming out of the nose and temples that man makes me very traumatized.

Mother came to me with sobs of regret. But if the dad who has been possessed by the devil, he dragged the mother and the man out of the room. I screamed and cried uncontrollably. Father kneeling on the knee, could hardly be a comparable price for the sin of mom.

Father scolded exhausted mom, he really couldn’t afford to condone mom. Tired face was enough to explain that he wanted to divorce my mom and chose to secede from it.

Mother throws a thousand apologies and explained the truth, what the reasons that forced her to betray their wedding. But as sculpture, the father did not want to listen to mom. And I am, a 16 year old girl must be willing to be the victim, the most disadvantaged people in this matter. I will lose affection. My dream would soon turn into dust grains not valuable. Throughout my life, will be haunted by the longing that could not be met.

My night was never really completely whole again. Even now, I can never hear the voice of the ordinary owl hovering in the sky yard. It looks like the moon peering me and learn to guess the contents of my heart. Could it was similar to the stars there, which has a thousand luster goodness?

Problems of this life I guess to be thick every day. Like the natural or unnatural things instantly. I poisoned the problems that really did not want me to go through. Mom, Well .. I still want to be happy ... life and stay with frame love happy family.

I became an adult because of the problems that inevitably adult should I swallow. I faced my parents divorced. The most terrible day in my life. I, had contributed the least to prevent. Although I was the worst victims of this problem. And time, still allow destiny to hit me involved in it. Time, consuming my sadness every night in every dark corner with the scream out.

Mom, well ..

I was alone, I was lonely. By looking at your eyes, dad! My heart ached for the presence of the mother. Mom, with a gentle touch of your hand, I still felt the greatest father figure to me.

That day, the gripping it came over me. I really hate by that time. January 18, this is the date that makes my soul feel dead. Today divorce was already determined in the courts now. Today I did not want to go to school or go to court.

No, I could not.

I locked myself in the room all day. Repeatedly father knocked on the door of my room but I responded with a silent. I did not know and did not want to know, whatever happened, really I did not care.

Second by second, minute changed minutes. Now I got up from my bed filled with cherry blossom motif. I stepped on my foot him on the cold floor. Didn’t know, as sudden cold weather or was due to the effect of depriving my soul. No, I do not know.

I got up from the bed, to the bedroom window. I opened the bamboo curtain, slowly and very gently. I was busy with my right hand were shaking weak. I was like 60 years old when his was.

I learned one after the bamboo curtain. Mix my soul at the time that I wished to bring peace. Achieved my sunshine on every blemish understated. I was in a drunken evening at that time.

Viewing the ordinary courts of the house that I was enjoys. I enjoyed the twilight excessive, I was in love between noisy of love in world.

I paused for an instant, pour a little phrase on a piece of paper hearts pure. I write posts that bring me in weakness.

"Mom, Dad I love you why you would do this to me? In the end I do not want to choose between you or him. Can we go back as it used to anymore? Being a role model neighbor, a family filled with sweet spices spoiled. "

No, for what I pour my feelings through words. When it was in fact just tear it never means in their eyes. I was tired of it. I was young. I have to happy. It should! It must to!

The corner of my room exhausted, applied my anger could not be past. I was happy in every destruction and damaged.

The window torn fabric, bamboo blinds weak depending on the buffer half weak. The books scattered separate content and skin. Pillows, bolsters without cotton in it. As the symbols of a chaotic thinking.

Looked, I was proud of that damage. However I don’t know why pride that made me a little as if realized, that madness to live had taken possession of my soul.

I globed at the twilight hue. I open my bedroom window and gazed at dusk which brings me peace. I froze and the concentration on each beam of light that still want to stop and pervasive in my soul.

Hey, is it adored my tears? It missed me. And finally it made ​​me roomy. I returned back to normal when begging made me as I was and I feel my soul back to life. Without doubt, think about what is wrong and what is right. Messed up my soul back. Confused which option will be my journey afterwards.

I peep again, at the court house the light was fading. Which was my evening had gone, bored. He left me alone to dissolve the aesthetic life - gray.

I saw fresh jasmine flowers there. Nonetheless the smell fragrant, beautiful in appearance that nobody can emulate by anything. Gave me know, his life would not be worth it  even though I know he will grow and evolve then withered, I fell and consumed by dusk then finished my memoirs.

The old car engine sound familiar sound in my ears. It sounds dad's car that had entered the courtyard of the house. I know, I've been aware of the departure of the evening twilight and presence. However, as a haunted house, I let the house lights are lit no one else.

Including me are indifferent enjoy misery liver in a square room. I slammed my body on a soft mattress it again, regardless of how the survival of households that will do by this hypocritical family. Save trouble and keep it, suddenly go out without letting me hear marks.

There was a knock on the door of my room, once, twice, three times, up repeatedly. Oh, please help my former guardian angels, did not bother me with my misery. I was still not satisfied with enjoying the poorness that protect your heart.

"Honey, oh honey .. Open the door ... we want to talk" father's voice heard. And then I was answered

"Already, go well. I have not been disturbed. For what you spoke to Nur? There's nothing to talk well. Do not you decide this way without the consent Nur? So let enjoy a gift that you gave to me. "I replied.

Audible sigh a long, wobbly motion and old sound discordant. I actually could not hear and witness this event. But what can we do ?. My disappointment insistent - repeatedly in the things l I say so confused.

Late evening come. I don’t know what I'd been doing I did not know. Without sipping a drink I did not feel thirsty. Without swallowing any grain of rice I feel full.

I enjoyed the evening sipping in my soul. With the wind blows the drudge, I accept it. I enjoy the sound of a voice for the sake of what is caught by my ear. Crickets, murmur owl, the sounds dogs, all I enjoy with moonlight that penetrates the glass windows room.

The next day. I woke up at dawn eyes filled with hope. I hope this grief will soon be over. Will end.

I decided not to go to school. Because of my concern that so unnatural that sometimes my brain poison. I wasafraid all of them, laughing at me. Because they have family status "broken home".

No, I do not want that to happen to me. Never will be!

I decided to go into the kitchen and obtain some food. Because the stomach has been empty since 2 days ago.

I saw a mother who was sitting in the kitchen daydreaming. My heart wants him, but the selfishness of my soul as if - if the freeze every joint - my foot joints. I paused in the corridor.

Then shortly afterwards, the tender look like killing me. And I was like an enemy, trying to deal with the problems on a piece of cloth that grim kasha.

He saw me glued there. I have no power to disappear instantaneously or simply turned away forced to swallow.

He called my name, his eyes seemed to tear weak who want out of which he was unable to take it anymore. He came to me, my fingers grasp, pull my body, and hugged me tightly into his arms.

I have no power, to feel a deep sadness in his heart when his grief it. She smiled at me, and plate of fried rice with egg on top of it as my favorite. She brought me to the table and made ​​my white milk with added sugar and a half spoon.

I was still looking into her eyes were swollen and faint. Tears still slowly dripping on her cheeks. She looked at me with a smile his most. Oh, mom .. why did you have the long mind to let it all happen.

No one Knew

Look no wind this dress. Sneak in the eye. Without shame, without reluctance, without the things corroborating myself capable. What? What you want and he wants to do? Night - do not make the silent night he was afraid to go by. Night - a night that gripped has become a best friend at the time.

I was.

Discuss on the liver and logic. At the corner - the city that seemed to accept me gracefully.

There. At the corner conflicts extraordinary great. A conflict that let the tears leads to moist soil surfaces.  Pass through the sense of sight that sorrow and suffering, past the smooth cheeks slap pain by destiny.

Oh why is this?

Previously, now turned into an iron pan. Affection which is now shattered into hate. Who? Where? Where?

Are willing and able to give me affection whole again. Equally, as before. As usual, when the separation was slapped my destiny.

Time has passed lighter and lighter. I was preoccupied with the thought of an underlying logic, and I'm keeping the hearts of sorrow and doubt in determining the choice of life.

I was,

Still in nirvana blues. . I still beta on the life of my sadness deepens.

As well, waiting affection came and went. Pick happily sink the somber. I'm happy on a piece of soft bread. Disgusting but my magic is able to be like a piece of fried chicken wings.

Done fun empty soul. I stand by returning home. There I saw the mother had fallen asleep on the couches. What? Who? The hell in the future.

I? Maybe if I was? But for what?

Did not he already opted for this path?

"Mom" called me. "Why did you break here? Go into and rest! "I command softly. Suddenly   , she fall down of tears and hugged me very tightly. She still hugged me. Without room, a no space.

She explained to me the reason why she did it all. She was hurt and the sacred vows of marriage.

The basis of all the things that have happened, poorer families are economic problems. A root cause that I never thought before. I guess it runs in the family standard of comfort. But such was not seen on the birth.

Mother said to me, the beginning of all her early work was voluntary. Until she was decided to get permission from the father. Mom was well aware of her duty as a wife and as a mother quite touching the soul. Without concern for the perfect little hurt my pride as a child ever born. Therefore, mom  decided not to work anymore.

But fate would, mom got a position that was so safe and comfortable in her work. So that makes her confused and would not stop to work. A difficult positions she can get. A position that she can result from hard work. A position which was at the root of all the problems this household.

My mom’s income was much greater than my daddy's income. While daddy was never enough income to fulfill the necessary of the house. So that my mom was experiencing labor utilization and income that were not comparable with an obligation.

My mom wants my daddy get much bigger income than her. So the income that she had just become her own. But not so with destiny.

Besides, mom told me. That her love has also been divided by a young man who faced innocent. In the beginning, mother sorry for him. So the mother as one who had authority in the field of work gave him a decent job and in accordance with the latest education he has.

Mother admitted that she was guilty. Intentionally or unintentionally, meet and talk every day. Mom has caught the young man. My mother confided in when she fell in love. And her love to my daddy was reduced and faded.

She also told me, the beginning of which he semangkin closer and closer to him. The young man approached the mama and always wanted to get a chance to talk together.

Mom admitted, acknowledge her feelings, that it will be unnatural relationship it. Until that day, mom got sick. So she decided to go home. But as the mother's lover, the young man was clean hard to deliver my mom to go back. Arriving home they couldn’t control themselves anymore. Devils possessed themselves who would dirty crazy plan. So it was into the end of the relationship between mom and dad.

Mom, I never care about what and how the reason that you and dad to split. Don’t you realized? You did it and make me in my sadness, tearing- apart of my beautiful dream ever cluster. I have no power when at last my love can’t be perfect. Because of this separation really make me so sad, reducing the level of the spirit of life that I want to live in the future.

Parting was indeed poisoned my mind. Moreover, the disgusting reason why the divorce took place. As a child I had to be willing to be a victim, without consciously or unconsciously they have been playing my destiny.

I really can’t stand anymore. I really want to get out of this zone. I did not want to accept myself a victim. Until now, I choose to do everything in accordance with the desires of the heart. I really did not care. It left or right lane. I did not care, even though I lost.

I tell it to a close friend of my man. A friend who was so familiar and so I believe. Then he invited me to go to something where. Which he promised to liberate me from the misery of this life. So I'm going to be a new person again.

I really blind to it. I accept the invitation without a clear mind. Until that night time comes. I slipped through the back door. With flower small red flower of blood dress and carrying a shiny black shoes of wedges. I managed to leave the house without the permission and excuse of my mom.

At that time the clock showed at 21: 05 pm. There's not a doubt liver. I was lightly to move.

Hendi has been waiting for me with the motor cycle. He smiled and complimented me the most beautiful girl and brave at that time. The night too late, long - Relief increasingly slurping sound of a dog's ear. And the cold air as if stabbed bone.

Hendi gave me his leather jacket.

"Wear it, you need it more than me, really I do not want you sick, wear it!” said him to me.

 A concern that couldn’t be met up again with perfect at home. Because my dad was no longer able to live with my mom. He returned to his home and his own obsolete.

The sound of a motorcycle engine has snuck in the night. I sat in the back with a little awkward and accompanied by heartbeat.

Place that will be our goal was finally arrived. I see a lot of light colors that were scattered in the building. All women who go out and get into the building wearing a mini dress and sexy dress. And also walking with a man beside them, even they are young or old.

Hendi took me to get into the building. It was my intention when it shattered. Many fear that arrived in my soul. But what can we do, I could not ask him to deliver me home again.

I entered the building with feelings of anxiety. If danger would bring me to go with him. He grasping fingers of my left hand with a soft and warm. He chalked his face and smiled sweetly at me. I was replying to squeeze his fingers and threw him my sweetest smile.

We walked with the same tone. Upon arrival in the sea of people I see as being happy. Smiling, laughing, singing, swaying their way - each. Without load, without problems.

Hendi invited me to sit on a couch and waiting for his moment to be back from the toilet.

I opened the jacket belonged to him, and put his jacket the left side of me. I looked around, everyone was laughing, everyone was smiling, everyone was happy.

I like possessed by the ghost of the building. That DJ played music, I try shaking bit like the rest of my body. Suddenly, he came and teased me at that time. He laughed at my movements were stiff and not in accordance with the beat of the music.

He summoned a waiter and ordered two servings of food and beverages. While we were waiting for the food to come, I see the diverse human behavior in the building.

We saw a man who was making kissing out with men too. We stared at each other and simultaneously express our detestation.

"Ih, hueeek .." and we were laughing together "hahahahaha ............."

The food that we deliver had present. And that means it's time to start enjoying the food. Many conversations that occur there. I told my whole family problems to him. With tears, I got out all my resentment against him. He just smiled lightly and gave me a handkerchief which he took from his pocket.

He looked at me differently, as if full of meaning all happen. I was enjoying the sadness of life, as if caught would desire that makes me blind. He came at me with a smile that makes me vulnerable to move and get away.

The movement was too closed, closed and too closed. Sigh of different owners. My heart rate as fragile there was no forgiveness, scattered in seconds and returned intact on the other seconds.

Red lips, fragrant aroma of cigarettes it touched my lips with blushing pink lipstick. As if the sadness went away, yes! I was able to forget about it even though it was short lived. Not just once kissed it happened, but we did it repeatedly. Thin mustache that touched my cheek, a gentle caress on my long hair, and a hug with love were able to warm the cold nights.

I was happy that night, I don’t know why!  What was the thing makes me feel like it. Didn’t know, without any tie I feel if he was belongs to me since that night.

All meals and drinks are finished we eat both. And now time show at 03:48 am. I really did not want to go home, I did not want to go back home again.

I decided to remain with him wherever he wanted to go. But he refused me because it was not possible for him to bring me to his home at this late hour. And in the end he invited me to stay at a nearby inn.

A medium-sized room has also been ordered for me. He drove me to get into the hotel room. And I also like a lot of thanks to him, because he has given little blemish, a breath of fresh air and enjoy the freedom to live the way I want.

However, one more it happens again. I was as blind and weak, always follow the music passion that eventually brought me to a new problem. Without a word, without preliminary and only meaningful gaze capable of explaining their desires, to be a reflection of the heart shadow.

He pulled my neck, and too closed on his shoulder. He put his two hands on my waist. Without anger, without regret I followed and enjoy every movement that he showed it to me.

Warm kiss it happen again. As if that had withered flowers bloom and blushing I was back again. Unfortunately, my confidence towards compassion and care that he gave to me to be willing forgotten and gone.

He asked for more than a kiss. A kiss that I thought it was already past my limits as a good woman, he wants to enjoy the other part of my body.

In this case I turn it down and release the arms that he Dab on my night. I rejected him too hard not to bypass the restrictions on that night. But if - would he like a lion that is very hungry, he did not listen to all my words and my refusal will request his despicable.

He ran towards the door of the hotel and conference lock - meeting all the reproach that allows me to get away from her. I really disappointed in him, besides my parents who brought a myriad of injuries in my life, he was impersonating a good friend also took the role of the same thing, destroy my life more deeply.

He laughed with pride because he has managed to bring me into his power that night. Helpless I could do was cry and scream for help. Unfortunately, there was no one who heard my voice though so I never tired to try to shout repeatedly.

And in the end he looked me cynical and his face filled with disgust with all the behavior that I do. In taking a blanket and break end for the sake of the edges of my mouth shut with a piece of cloth, so I could not scream out again. Not only there, he also tied my hands on the edge of the bed.

He made ​​me like a mental patient who ask for freedom and have to provide resistance for many people. He also removed all the clothes that I wear. I like the statue of the helpless and do not have the force of what else.

My body burned up the night wind. I'll fire burned affair. I felt very dirty and once a girl who abject and disgusting. I lost all pride as a pure girl. I was dirty and miserable woman.

My happiness really go away from my life. No more peaceful evening that will be my friend. Just anxious, anxiety-ridden and will color the night and day. There would be no one who knows the hearts of me, understand my feelings, including him. A friend and idol of the heart that has been tearing my virginity, one - the only reason I became still proud to be a woman and a good daughter.

"I'm sorry Nur, I'm really not able to control my emotions. I err on everything that has happened this evening. All of these errors, I'm really sorry. "He said with a deep voice. But there was not a single word that comes out of my mouth. Just sobbing that became void filler.

He untied in both my hands and in my mouth. He expects a word that came out of my mouth, but I did not want to deign to forgive such a fatal error.

"Come talk to me Nur. Believe me I really err on everything that has happened this. But believe me, I really - love you dear, I can confirm this, if this is not an my wrongness. "He said.

He stroked my face and wiped my tears. And again, he hugged me tight body and he was crying. I was surprised at this, and started to think if he really sincere love me.

Three days later after that night, no news or anything about him.. And now I was sure if he was nothing more than a man bastards who just want to take advantage and happiness course of a woman.

I could not help myself to remain silent. I tried to contact him through via text messages themselves. I was invited to meet and discuss our relationship. And finally he was replying to a message that I sent earlier.

He wanted me to make that mistake again and it was a requirement to meet with him. At that moment I really realized that he is a man who has no morals and mind. I also balked at going to his request.

Now I feel alone. No friends, no relatives and no role of parents who normally be there for me when I was hurt.

I decided to leave the house, looking for a bit of fresh air might be a little tears down load my life. I walked to the super market to buy a bar of chocolate, for my soul hanger.

But there, my disappointment in mom so deep. I saw her that walk with her man's affair. Although mom had split with dad but still I couldn’t receive if mom in romance or a love with another man.

I went to her, at that moment I was not able to control my emotions. I bleak bomb ready to blow up the world, I do not care if the position he is as my mother and my existence at that time in public. I was angry uncontrollably - happens to the mother and the man. I cursed and swore at him. And without my guess my mother shouted and slapped hard on my right cheek in front of the crowd.

I was running out of words on the there. I looked surprised and full of disappointment towards the mother. And a look of hatred and revenge on the man. I decided to go away from that place. And this is the day where I really hate a mother who I think she will always love me, defend me and become the closest person in my life forever.

I went and ran out of the place, while mom called my name repeatedly and apologized for the deeds she had done. However, wind will be past, I ignored it for granted. Because I hate too deeply about this mortal life.

I ran back home with heavy fall down the tears on the cheeks. I wrap all my clothes into two bags belonging to me. Later that day, I decided to get out and move home dad narrower and smaller. But when in the fence, mom  and the man was blocking my damned. My mom told me hard to go home father.

He did not want to if I go from her house. But I did not care about all asked. I was like a kid who never had a mother to make me into a mild step to oppose his will.

I walked out with a full conflict and strife. I feel very sad to have to make her cry and beg. But this hate against men that are right next to burning and raging my soul.

The house is sold, barren, half rock. Weeds that extends clearly visible on the right side of the court and left the house. Dried leaves come plastering atmosphere. As long old house uninhabited make myself horrified to stay logged into.

I knocked on the door of the porous old. "dad… daddy... well ... this is Nur!"

I called him over and over. But there was no response at all. I await the seconds but remains the same, there was no a sign that assured me if the father was in. Or maybe dad ... maybe dad was injured in? Or something bad has happened? Oh god, this is what I thought at the time. I decided to keep waiting until my father invited the incoming and share the story of the heart.

Twilight pick my guilty. Until twilight culminate in a quiet corner of vacillating dad did not come. I fell asleep between moderate wind rumble. Among the light evening walks.

And suddenly, "honey, hon, let's wake. Go out into. Nur, let's get up, girl. "

I was awakened shortly. I see vague dull father's face. His clothes were stained yellow to browned. Silver-colored hair adds a sad heart.

"Dad ..." Called me peace. I was perfumed body hugging father sun. Don’t know, where dad all day, my heart filled asked the big question mark. Could it be that he had come home from a trip away to find a bite of rice? or there is a hard job that became the inhibitors to come home? I don’t know, ah, I do not want to mutter crisp. I just want to enjoy the warm embrace of the father.

"It's not like you here, honey?, let's, .. let's go first to" My father said to me with his gentle voice. I was inside the house are 5 x orders of magnitude smaller than the mother's home. But it will not be a problem for me, I just want to find serenity and happiness in life through the attention of people who I care about.

"What is it, honey? Why are you crying?” daddy said to me.

"Mom ... well, the mother was still in touch with him. I did not like that relationship. I hate those who have destroyed our happiness "answered my sob.

"Hush ... you should not talk like that, son. After all she was your mother. People who have given birth to you into this world. Your Heaven is on his feet. "Said daddy.

"Mom? Heaven? Heaven like what was on her feet well? She was one of the people who brought us the hell home. Even after she promised not to do it again, but now she broke the promise she had made ​​her own! Is that the father described as a good mother well? "I said, weeping.

"Come on honey already. Let's go to the kitchen and cook something for us to eat tonight. Let's forget about the problems that make us never-ending grief is "the father carrying his bag to the kitchen.

"Dad, what is that? What is you brought dad? "I said, pointing to the small bag.

"In this small bag there is a pack of crackers and rice that we will cook hon. Come help dad make it. " Daddy replied wistfully.

"Rice? Crackers? Cooking? Does the father have not eaten well with this morning? "I asked, surprised.

"Yes, honey," he replied.

"Where did this all day father well? Where all merchandise clothing dad? "I asked.

"I have not traded clothes anymore, son. Dad ran out of capital and very difficult to bring the things merchandise father home dad subscriptions without a vehicle. Now the father worked as porters in the market son. Yes .. no significant lawful honey. "Said the father explained to me.

I was very sad to see the state of the current daddy. His dull skin, fragrant body, shape bags under his eyes, unkempt hair and tattered clothes add this heartache.

To the next day, daddy went to the market as usual. I decided to stay at home and clean the house to be more neat and wait. However suddenly the sound of mobile phone rang from the living room. I was walking towards the living room and picked up my mobile phone. It turns out that the origin of the sound of the call Hendi. I did not want to answer his call. But he still called me repeatedly up to 36 calls.

I could not even lift his vocation that makes me hot and sick ear.

"Yes, there is much less?" I said sarcastically.

"What? Tonight? Nooo .. I do not want to see you anymore "

"What? Oh ,,, so you threatening me? "

"Evidence? Pictures? Social media? "

"Shit you .... What the hell are you going man!!!! "

I was quickly shut his phone. I was so sorry for having known anyone like him. He has made ​​me afraid, he has threatened me will know to everyone, including my parents and the school that I have done the despicable acts with him if I do not want to see him tonight.

I really feel true justice turn away from me. I just want to be happy with people who loving me. In addition to father I do not think nobody was really affectionate and sincere with me. They just want to get the benefit only of myself.

Evening came, the father had not returned home. I was alone, feeling mood - be tempered with anxiety - so this. And it turns out that my guilty touchable already. Hendi came to see me with a different smile. He asked me to come to him if he's not going to wait for the return of the father, and told his version of events on the night he was with the support of pictures were not polite.

I really helpless this time, with less words that vibrates I accepted his invitation. And in the end I left the house without the permission of the father even though I knew he would be furious after this. But I have used fecklessness perfect by his cunning mind.

He took me to a place I did not know very well where it is located. Passing through the dark streets, alleys - a narrow alley and hollow, rundown neighborhood atmosphere, and the full gaze - sinister suffocating - choke my veins.

He took me to a room that is moist, quiet and dark. I'm really scared to be there, as if I pick the death on the spot.

But there, in the alley in the room I heard a voice of man and some woman and keeping boisterous. Their voices sounded like  they were enjoying the party with loud disco music.

I freeze my feet, I do not want to go too far to where they were. I did not want to join them which will make myself be destroyed again. However he forced me to keep up to desire him.

Until the time of his arrival, I was standing right in front of his friends. I find women who dress sexy. The man with booze, poker and some cigarettes.

"Hey ... sweet .. what is your name?. Oughh, Hen! This new prey? "Said one of his friend while pinch my chin.

"she is my new girlfriend , hettss do not dare you touch her! Shee only belongs to me alone. Hahahahha ... .. "said Hendi, laughing off.

I'm really fed up and disgusted with this situation. But how else I'm really not a bona fide bad-stranded power to them let alone against them. I just shut up and be quiet. Like a frog I could only grunt in the liver only.

"C'mon honey .. ... let's enjoy this evening join with my friends" Hendi command me laughing merrily.

"No, I do not want to. I'm going home. Dad must have come home. Dad must have been anxiously waiting for my return. Come on, come on Take me home! "I replied with a low voice.

Simultaneously, he and his friends laugh at me with satisfaction.

"Home? Dad? Hahahaha .... Tonight you belong to me is, I will not be that easy to escape you. You must follow my orders! if not, you know exactly what the result, right?. And of course, your parents will be angry and your family will fall apart. Hahahhaa ... And do not forget ,,,, and anyway, I will make you to blocked from the school. You will get a very big shame. Hahaha "said him and laugh out loud.

I do not have any other choice. Really this time I like a rhinoceros that in beak nose. Inevitably, like it or not, I have to follow to his lowly desires. Only tears were able to explain my heart, but as usual my grief could only swallow alone. Nobody cares about this heart, no one understood this about freedom and happiness.

Stupid .. yes .. I was stupid !!

He lit cigarette into my mouth. I reject it and the cigarette harshly. But the action was met with force. He kept the fire burning on the tip of the cigarette and my reign to suck the other end of the cigarette.

I suck, then I choked by the smoke with so great. But there was no one who was sympathetic to me. Everyone there just laughing at me with pride.

Not only up there, Hendi also forced me to drink red wine straight from the bottle. I refused and tried to run away from that place. But he not let that happen to me. He pulled my right ankle and eventually I fell and smashed.

I feel the pain that is so remarkable. My body seemed to disintegrate due to hit the floor. Chin and bruised my knee turned blue. But they made me a laughingstock them.

He grabbed my body and brought me closer to him. He forced me to drank liquor with the help of friends. They hold to my two hands and pull my hair to my head lifted up where it is easier for the alcohol in through the mouth and throat me forcibly.

My head feels so very heavy and sore. I really feels nauseous and float - float. In the end, I was awakened myself and woke up in the sun half-shadow.

I was really surprised and shocked to see that no dress,  he was sleeping soundly next to me on a mat and a blanket. And when I look at my body, I was also very surprised because I was not wearing clothes again. Only a thin blanket that covered part of my body.

I really could not hold back tears. I cried brewed, I really regret with all my decisions that ultimately lead me on a very deep life mistakes.

And not long after he awakened from sleep. He stared towards me and kissed my lips.

"Good morning dear" he told me.

I do not want to reply to the word - said courteously. I'm fed up with all this, I cried, I'm angry, I'm hitting, pinching, kicking him so brutal. I am no longer able to bear the pain and suffering of life. I really - really be messed up for a while with sobbing that I can not contain.

Then she hugged me and kissed my head. I really do not understand the thought that he had. I was really disappointed with all the attitude and behavior that frequently change - change. Moreover, this morning, he showed such great affection towards me.

"Friends - my friend had returned this morning, and you're very drunk last night. And, I brought you into this room to rest. But ... I'm sorry. I did it again. I just want to reduce the suffering that you had to give you drink it. no other purpose. Now ... let me among you home. And we would go to school together - together. "Obviously.

"You're an asshole! You've broken my life too deep in again. You ... shiiiit... "upset me to him.

I really do not know what else to do. My mind has been chaotic and crazy. And finally I decided to go home with the expectation father had gone to work.

I knocked on the door of the house, "Dad ,, father in?" knock, knock  ...

There was not any sound I hear in house. I pushed the door and tried to open it. However suddenly father pulled the door and exit presented to me. I really very surprised. Moreover Hendi standing next to me.

"Dad, dad is not going to work?" I asked.

"Where did you overnight Nur? Why not ask the father permission to go? Why go without the knowledge of the father? Why until this morning you just go home? Who is she? Who is this man? Why did you return him? Why do you dress so rundown and dirty like this? Hair? Why is your hair so messy? What is it boy? you good - fine right ?? "he asked very confused so much so that I will start from where I lie this time.

"I  fell well, so therefore I  so it looks like this. And this Hendi, he is my friend who helps me"my father replied haltingly - brick.

"Is it true that boy? if you're not lying with the father? "asked the father hesitate.

"Yeah well, I was telling the truth". My responsibility.

"Then explain to the father! How where your body can smell alcohol like this? "He asked bluntly.

"Um ... this ... this .... becausee this .. "I replied nervously and confused.

"Yes Sir, that night I slept with her, we also celebrate and drank the alcohols with our friends the other" Hendi replied lightly.

I really did not think he able to tell it to the father. Maybe he was crazy or he really stupid? With its recognition of this, makes me very aggrieved.

And it's true. Dad really angry over the words of Hendi. He beat him until his nose bled. As for me, in encouraging her to fall to the ground. Dad also took all my clothes and take it out and fling at me.

Tears, I really do not afford the weir again. Father darting angry with me. However I can understand the heart of a father who was very disappointed in me. Previously there was a mother who be traitor in their marriage after it was me who brought shame to all my despicable behavior.

I really do not know want to do anymore. I begged and prostrate before the father. I touched and kissed the feet dad. But he would not bother me in the slightest. He did not want to listen to my explanation before he decided to take a stand against me. He pushed me again and again until I fell to the ground.

Dad yelled loudly and firmly. He drove me raw - raw. Until all the neighbors, everyone who was there to run and closer towards us. They looked at me with various gaze. Cynical, sad, happy, disgusted, all see clearly on the look of it.

I stood and stared ruefully father's face and the tears that fell clearly in my eyes. However, if the father - will blind he did not want the slightest hear my explanation. He returned expel me but I still retain my right to tell the actual incident. But my father still ruled to be silent and suddenly he slapped my cheek with his harsh.

Dad looked at me with eyes full of regret, and looked at the hand that had he used to slap me. I could not look at the circumstances, I ran from the father.

Not the least I want to turn my face to my father. I keep running even if the father keeps calling my name with his voice shakes. Really I can’t bear to let my father begged for his regret, but my mind until my legs would not stop and understand the difficult circumstances.

I decided to choose my own way with my own choice. I decided to follow my every desire to obtain happiness. I do not care what step I take, I traveled lane where I want only happiness and tranquility.

I decided to follow the desires of him, because he has been a member me a promise of happiness. Even though I know he is a cunning and evil, but I felt I had no other choice. In addition to my parents, I was never familiar with siblings or anyone else, until finally the reason food and clothing into my considerations. I also dropped out of school and contact with anyone except Hendi.

That night Hendi repeat his evil mind. He invited me to do it again relationship. This is already the 3rd time, so I had no reason whatsoever to my chastity.

Likewise the night - the next night, we had a party of alcohol and methamphetamine in an empty house near the banana plantation. I also helped Hendi to deliver orders drugs from airport to officials - high officials or people - the tie.

This was my new life. I was very happy with the way my life is. Without load there is only pleasure alone. I can buy whatever I want, clothes, jewelry, sophisticated mobile phone, I can meet my own needs. I forgot my dad, mother, I forgot the loneliness, I forgot divorced....

Found You!

The adult life journey does not make me afraid of death, sin or find out true happiness. For me my world is a world filled with peace where I do not think too much for my right.

Until that night, we partied like usual. Cigarettes, alcohols, methamphetamines, gambling, sex and other things we used to do, we do well on that night. But that tonight has not the case as usual. I and others did not have figured. Don’t know, I don’t know who put rapids in our lives.

But certainly, some policemen came to our room complete with their guns directed at us. I was very nervous about this. I also feel very sorry for the way I choose.

Hendi and some his friends tried to escape from the back of door. But police swiftly know this until the police did not have any other way and shoot their legs to immobilize them.

Guns shot that seemed able to break my eardrums. Sound that was so remarkable and it was able to repeatedly make trauma is still an impression.

There was no single person among us to escape from the police. They took us to the police station and then investigate the case. We were caught off guard and had ensured severe punishment awaits us.

That time when I was in 16 years old and most of the others ware aged 17-20 years. In the end we were taken to the recovery room of addicted of drugs called rehabilitation. The period of bleak was reluctant to tell me to anyone. That  period are so dark experience, full of sadness and so embarrassing.

At that time, after a day of freedom I did not know which way I wanted to go. I sat in the corner of a cold night without protection from anyone. I was so hungry. I pressed my stomach tight - closely with the intention of easing my little hunger. But my stomach did not understand my difficult situation, it was still forced me to give some food.

I didn’t have any money that I have to buy some food. I was looking for a meal in anywhere. I'm looking at the right side. There's a large trash cans made of drum former. I was looking for food inside. I'm very happy because I found a packet of rice there. But unfortunately the rice is too little and smelling bad.

Suddenly a young policeman came up to me. He looked at me with eyes so sad spotlight. He gave me a packet of bread with flavored chocolate. I looked back at him with the eyes that he was spotlight and disconnected. Without thinking too long I took the bread and eat immediately.

The hunger was a little saved. I also would like to thank him, but the word I wanted to catapult, he was so good but I don’t know anymore where his existence. I lost track of him that was so fast I guess. But never mind, I did not want to care about the mysterious demise.

I returned complaining in seconds will give a history of my life, where I'm going to spend the night this time. Don’t know. I do not know.

I traced the long and cold streets. In the middle of the night I take courage for the repose of the concerns of suffering that will ensnare me again and again.

I found a piece of damaged buildings were filled with rubbishes. And I decided to make the room when it's my place to sleep.

Cold night without a pedestal became my meal. In the silence, I finally unbearable back shed tears. Suffering is so upset in my mind so frighten me in the hopes that soon want to fade.

I was,,

I was now accustomed to living in loneliness in the middle of a strange crowd. With cover lie cruelty became my reference to survive. Hard life on the streets of this metropolis has succeeded in forming a new personal in me.

I was yes I was,

It has been encouraging to choose the lane that I consider to be the best option. I do not want to go back again to the house that had once made me happy. I will remember and always remember every stroke that has been given to me.

The disease is old already embedded. Times by times, years and chronic. Already, I've decided to really bury that past time. In I was given the opportunity to feel the happiness in a family roof. A happiness that was punished me to live in the streets like this.

A life that forced me to go away from people who I loved in a way that seemed to want to kill me.

Yes, I already accustomed to live and live on the streets after the events of the transition in the middle of fall foliage. Now I've turned into a strong adult woman and never afraid of this mortal life.

I never agitated when the sun threatened not to illuminate the world again. Dead or alive, it has become a parallel. Perhaps death is better, because there probably true happiness and tranquility have been waiting for.

Life is so hard in this metropolitan city seemed so tiring soul. I only have until junior high school education, may be proportional to the size of the job as a coolie labor rival or housekeeper.

Both these professions are not to be my choice. Salaries are too low and the fatigue is so powerful, though is not comparable with sweat issued.

I prefer to be a pickpocket which the  power out is not too big incurred every time effort, but the result is not a little too. Sometimes millions, hundreds, tens, even once I got Zonk.

My world has long wrestled. Since my freedom from the creepy beach rehabilitation, 4 years ago. I met a middle-aged woman, curly hair with a tattoo on her left hand.

She is a good woman. She gave me a room to live, a guarantee of protection and frees me from thirst and hunger. For me he is the figure of the angel transformed into a woman who bit sinister and ferocious. She was a widow who did not have a child of her marriage ago.

She said that she has considered me as her own daughter. With a proud heart, I received a bid that was so sincere. She is a woman who sadistic, tough, strong and diligent pilfer. She is a mother and a teacher figure pickpocket for me.

I rely on opposite way. Now I just realized, if the twilight, I've been waiting my care and warm touch from me.

During the late afternoon, I asked permission to Madam Neli to go to enjoy the breeze under the sun fading. I went to a place of my favorites, in a empty field behind the great shops.

There, I was waiting for my twilight came finite hug me peace. That time arrived. Yeah, I was waiting for the time to come to me as closer and get so closer. Twilight I grabbed my soul to peace touched my soul.

I was struck by disturb of prejudice living soul on the wrist. I enjoy any warm splash of my twilight. I was in of it, as if I was in the lap of the mom. Warmth, making me unable to release any distance of peace. Yes. I enjoy with the beautiful sunset made happy me, which has successfully passed all the problems well, which has been successfully picked perfectly happiness.

Night was come pick. The wind was caressing my body softly. I decided to return home. But on the way I saw a Mrs. with a very big body, walking in front of me alone. Bring a bag being strapped to the left.

I think if she was easy prey. The streets were deserted very supportive of my plan, plus big posture, may be it will let herself too difficult to catch me.

I also start my actions that night. I started to walk closer and got closer to her space. With a relaxed and slowly I'm scratching the bag so that one by one items were out.

Wallet, cell phone, talc, softex, lipstick and other things got out through the bag that I had a razor blade. Slowly I bowed my body and took the mobile phone and wallet that I wanted those.

However, shit ...

Good fortune is not in favor of me that night. I was caught by a man is well-body. Yes, he is the same person, when he gave me a packet of chocolate-flavored bread. He grasp my hand when I was about to take the things. My heart was beating so hard and fast. My chest was very crowded, as if out of breath. My blood was flow so the hardness. My lives as like want to fly to leave my body.

He looked at my eyes with his sharp. I was afraid at that time. I wanted to run. Run of the place as soon as possible. However, the feet were frozen immediately. My body hardened as well as sculpture. And in the end I was resigned to the fate that want to bring me where.

Well-body man was over his mouth. He pulled my hand to stand up and then patted the Mrs. I suddenly panic and paled. But apparently he did not do what I think. He gave the Mrs. know if the perforated bag up so all the goods falling.

Well-body man was attractive to the rigors of my hands to the side of the road. He asked why I did it. Reason what brought me to act like that.

With a thousand questions, I was speechless because of fear and shame. I decided to escape and get away from him. However, if time did not permit me to go.

He holds me. I also was unable to answer the question.

"I still want to a live, to live means to eat, and to obtain food needs money. As for obtaining money should work, but work in this era very difficult. Work means requiring a diploma and skills. I do not have a diploma, but I have a master skill ... Yes, skill to take people's money silent. "I replied while LOL.

He stared into the corner of my eyes were deep and very deep at all. I stop my long laughter to be receding. My fear to him come again. And suddenly he took something in his pocket.

Yes, I'm really scared. Because I think he's going to take a knife and then plunged the knife into my stomach. Or maybe he would ask for a ransom in advance to the mom Neli before he slays me.

But apparently no. I was wrong. Yes, a big one.

He took an identity card and then showed the card to me. I release and very surprised. After I read the card, he was a cop.

No, I really scared that time. I hate the lack of freedom. I do not want to be caught on the same hole. Nooo ...

I decided to run away, and away from it. I ran as fast as possible. But he could easily found  me and grabbed my shoulders.

"Don’t , don’t pack. I beg. Do not catch me again. I've never visited the iron bars and also a place of rehabilitation. No sir .. pleaseee. I promise, I will not repeat what I had done it again ". My words for forgiveness, crying and clutching the knee officer.

"Uh, uh .. You do not need this kind. Ok  .. ok  .. I'm not going to bring you to the police station. I promise. Come on get up, stand ... I'm really shy when people see us like this." He replied.

I also feel happy and finally I started to follow what his request and remove my crocodile tears.

"But you do not like it. All of this requires cooperation. You must be willing to help me. "He said to me.

"What? You want to squeeze me? "I asked sarcastically.

"Nooo, no, not at all. As far as I know, you live in Belawan near 10 path, right? "Asked him seriously.

"Ye….sss .. how can you know?" I replied haltingly - brick.

"Yes .. I have long investigated that area. There are many clashes between the alley by alley, right? And I ever heard also there is a boss of toggle? "Asked him.

"Yeah .. Sir". I said, swallowing hard.

"Well, so, to terms you for free tonight is you have pledged to me that you will no longer be a pickpocket and also you must help me to seek to them, who the provocateur of war and who actually toggle." He told me.

"If I do not became a pickpocket, how can I eat, sir?" I replied.

"You can look for another job,,, um .. or like this. As long as you cooperate with me, I'll guarantee you to eat every day. How? "Asked him.

Really, I am very indecisive that time. I really do not know what I should say anymore. Fear, anxiety, worry, fused into one. I do not have a choice where they have it. I could not say no. But what about mom Neli? I really depend on it, and I can’t separate the pickpocket's world.

"Well, I agree." I said hesitantly.

Although I said "Yes" but what I do was the opposite. I've felt comfortable being here, this my  pickpockets world, lived with my new good mom.

T he next day. Police came to my house without using a uniform pride. He invited me to do the mission that we have agreed. Inevitably I also hasten to perform the mission.

We went down to the aisle 10. And I started to do a plan that we have agreed in advance. I pretended as toggle players who want to put some numbers on that day. I asked a boy about 18 years old. I asked him, “Where should I play the toggle?”

The teenager was shocked and saw my face. Maybe he though, if I am a woman but love toggle too much and gambling enthusiast. Hem .. No….. I do not care what he wanted to think about me.

The boy was giving me know. He put his hand up and fingers straight and slightly turned to the right. And he also said that, “The house of boss a toggle has 2 level floors and green color wall.”

The young police and I was a narrow aisle 10 without leaving suspicion. Then we managed to find where the toggle house. Next to the house that we find there were small stalls made ​​of bamboo and wire.

There were many people who drunk and play gambling even though that was morning yet. But as 24 hours of health care center, they did not have a sense of fatigue.

I was very shocked. When some polices come up. He didn’t give me to know about this plan.

Police swarm that was doing the plans they have made. They captured all the people in the small shop without exception.

All of them were become panic and fear. Many scorns that came out from their lips. Curse of the traitor. Maybe people who are intent on me. A dozen pairs of eyes to highlight my view. Perhaps they have churned heart if I was a causal their misadventures. Their eyes full of revenge.

The task was finally completed. I stepped my foot to go home after all the police and people who were in the shop was caught and taken to the police station. He, the young police was reversed said "Thanks" while holding my shoulder and immediately walked away.

I feel different. Hospitality which he pinned on my life is not like the police with a partner who wanted to help his goal in finding the perpetrators. But like anyone else, but still he could not say.

Two days since then, when I wanted to go be pickpocket anymore, suddenly some people  carrying machetes, crowbars and wooden beams coming to our house alley and were heading Neli’s home where my residence as well. I feel strange, and a little nervous.

Could it be that they want to attack our house? But for what? What the mistakes have we done to them?

They move closer to our close and I peering them from the window. Mrs. Neli asked me a question.

"Have you ever made ​​a mistake against them? Looks like they want to come to our house!"

I suddenly remembered the incident two days earlier. Which I helped police’s work to uncover, Where the located of the toggle and gambling house from their course. Maybe they came from the alley 10. "What? allay10? They're indeed people who love to making battle about the alley by alley". That the words raging in my mind. I could not hide it much longer Mrs. Neli, I told her everything clearly and concisely.

For the first time, she was angry with me. All that was evident in her expressions and words that pierced me as to my stupidity.

And in the end, a bunch of people - those sharp armed it up in front of our house and asked us to get out. We both have also been forced to face this condition. We got out of the house and face all the risks.

In this sense, all the neighbors who are near our house get out too. And at that moment I start my words of the sweet and gentle.

"What is it Sir, Mrs.?" I said, smiling fear. And one of them answered with the load vocal

"Do not ask a lot of you! You are the cause of our suffering! Husband, son and others family that we have languished in jail because of your act! Don’t you act like heroes of country! Have you think that your country is going saver your hunger? "

"Forgive me, sir! I do not deliberately do it. I was forced by one of the police ". I said miserably.

"Ah,,, never mind do not much reason for you! You should be responsible for all this. You also have to feel the suffering. So that we can live in peace after this! "Said a middle-aged man, black-built and has a large tattoo on his neck.

Not require an answer or asking sorry, they immediately struck me again and my mother. I tried to fight but my inability to fight so is difficult to avoid pain or injury.

At that time not become a battle of between us, Mrs. Neli too. However, some of our neighbors also help us to fight them. Many bruises that I got too much until blood came out of my nose.

Suddenly, the shouting of Mrs. Neli temporary moment of the fight! Everyone shut up and stop to the fight each other. She was japed on her shoulder. Se shouted and then fell. Without words that she could not remove her death. She breathed his last on the spot.

I was really panic and sad. My body was limp approaching towards her. I was crying and very felt lost. I hugged her, and kissed every face. I was really felt sorry for all that has been I did.

People watched the sadness that I have and could not restore her life. A swarm of people who were cursed it's no laughing matter, feel satisfied to see my suffering. They went to home and put an end to the fight.

It was the day where I felt very sad and had to go back to feel profound sadness. Up on until the funeral ceremony, I gave a prayer as my form's virtual demand to her.

Yes ,, day by day the loneliness was happen again. The loneliness approached me again. The grief and suffering come in, so I could not converge on my body. Every corner in myself would reject it. Really, I was very fed up with the happiness that never stopped.

A day, a year, a week, a month does not make me be apart would shadows that horrible event. The guilt was still just followed my steps. I don’t know, when I could walk away from this annoyed life.

I stole back to fill my stomach. I've had no direction and purpose to life. For me dead or alive is the same. Both of them is same things just like to be a painful.

On that night, I decided to go to the port with a single stick of cigarette in my right fingers. I saw the ships which so beautiful with the varieties of colored lights that can reduce a little sadness. I also enjoyed the atmosphere of breeze that caressed me with all the friendliness cold sea.

I saw my daddy, mom and mom's affair on dark sea that being laughed at me. I also saw a very angry Mrs. Neli because my act, she who must be willing to be a victim. I also saw a young police that laughing as if I was the most ignorant person who lost in life.

As an evening filled with madness that so pierced the soul, I imagine as if they are real and true - true being cursed and laughed at me.

I was coming closer towards their den. I wanted to hug Mrs. Neli and said to her if “I'm never intended to make the victim.” I wanted to run to my daddy and hugged him that I was wrong and wanted to get back in the arms of my daddy as well as protection. I want to run in the mom’s direction, mistress, and the young police. I want to vent all my emotions to them. To the people who have betrayed and the happiness at the expense of others. They were the source of my misery that has never known a feeling of satisfaction.

As if I were already true the literally under the line of consciousness, I ran towards them and overpowered them one by one. I really did not realize if at that time I was jumping into the sea. I forget if they were present before me just as the imagination and nothing more than that.

I can’t swim, I was crazy, I did not know what else to do besides screaming for help. After that I did not remember anything that happened to me.

I woke up in a room that has white sky. I looked around to the room. A room that is so awkward that I see before. There was no one single person who was there. Only me and a respirator that was in my nose

Suddenly, I heard of the voice of the door of hospital opened little by little. I looked towards the door with the tightness. Turns out he was, the young police who had been a cause of maternal mortality of Mrs. Neli.

I became rude and brutal. I scolded him and spilled all over my emotions to him regardless of what his status as a police and I was not think anymore who I am and he is

I pelted him with everything things that was near me. Pillows, plates, cups, fruits, and I tried to approach him and wanted to chock up his neck, but I could not because my body was so weak.

As if he was not afraid to bad things would happen to him, he remained close to me and hugged me and kissed my head .

I really didn’t understand what he had done to me. But I could felt the hug that he gave to me was not the usual hug. A true love that I can feel there.

Day by day my sanitary was improved. I was allowed to go home by my treating doctor. Actually I was very curious about who the person who has helped me from the death. But I did not have the option to ask him. I pride, I did not want to engage in any conversation to him. Yes! even though he was the one who account for my hospital bill.

Because of You!

In a corner of the big city but the oppressed will be full of air pollution, I sat daydreaming enjoy a single star shining though the sky had run out of light.

I don’t know why, suddenly my tears were dripping and decomposed in my cheek. I looked to the star corner, staring at her intently. I felt very deep longing for a father who does not know where its existence now.

I miss mom who lives fighting for my born into this world. I yearn for the day - it's a happy day.

The night was very quiet. No, it was not because of people who were around me. This was because the owl who has lost his singing. He who mope in his silence.

There is a sense that once pierced of my heart, my soul crushing, really hurt and melancholy. I'm tired of the way my destiny that requires loneliness. I looked back up at the sky. See the crescent and star holding hands.

I was smiling, beauty was little able to transform my face. I realized that loneliness does not mean death. I realized that life is not only inhabited by humans, but also animals, plants, and objects - artificial inanimate God Almighty.

God?

O Allah, it’s long time I forget about you. So long I was blinded by my loneliness. I was able to forget you, you who have brought livelihood, lives, blessings, happiness and death.

You are the secret behind the secret. Saving big secret that nobody knows-where its tip. O Allah, forgive me that I am so disgusting one. Raging in the cradle of this mortal world.

 Tears fell insistent - repeatedly. Delivering night on the most deepest regret. Yes! No one shoulder that could share with me, but there is always a faithful floor.

Only God, only Him who will accept me for what it is. Sad, happy even when I was - completely forgot and returned to remember him, He would be willing to embrace me in affection.

Suddenly, very frightening roar grabbing - blazing sky was so quiet before. It sings and continued singing until I made her skin crawl. I got up and wipe my tears on who delivers me in cons However, I have not even had time to pull over, the sky is so fierce spew all over her grief. Hem,, it lah. The body was already drenched to the skin as a result of God's blessing. I enjoyed every drop that falls on my body.

I looked to the sky again, it turned out the moon and a single star who had already lost in the black cloud voraciously. Ah, well I think. Maybe it also is one of the ways of God in determining the fate of His each creation.

Suddenly, I did not feel the pleasure of the raining that had hit me. A gray umbrella protects me from the rain.

I was panic and turn round. It turned out that him, the young officer gave me protect by umbrella and smiling. I walked straight ahead regardless of kindness.

Step by step I stepped forward, he grasp my wrist. I turned and looked into her eyes. There are sp many questions that couldn’t be unsaid. But each of us to be understood each other.

 Umbrella was flying crashed strong winds. We were both soaking wet. The wind took us on a night of romance that suddenly formed.

Sharp look up that makes my eyes heavy and closed. Kiss it happened so warm. I enjoyed every movement so flow is. Silence, quiet, warm.

The cold night passed so beautiful. He changed everything becomes more colorful. Didn’t know, the feeling that it was always my own. Hahahaha funny thing was, I still did not know what his name was.

I smiled at him among the pounding rain. "Hi, Mr., my name is Nur .." I said, holding out my right hand.

"Hahahaha yes, yes, yes .. I’m Raihan." He smiled at me and stroked my head.

"So ...?" I asked

"So?" Asked him reply, frowning.

"Ah nothing, forget it" I said to him with a smile.

Actually I wanted to ask him, about our relationship now. Shall the same or we were lovers after a warm kiss between the cold raining.

But never mind, I did not want to disturb the state of my heart that's being kind. Let it flow relationship for what it was and let the time that will answer all questions that covered my head that night.

Days by days was passed so quickly. As if the earth rotates on its axis it forgot the grief that has weighed on its forests.

Until in that time, after he go back to his job. He called me, he wanted to meet that evening after a week-long we do not see in because of busy. I grabbed the answer "yes".

I'm very happy, because my longing will soon be exhausted.

My life with him so comfortable, I feel we've unidirectional footsteps. I find it to be a better woman again after she entered into my life. He transformed me. Effect of softness that he had worked in myself.

Since then, I never know again the word "drunk, smoking, methamphetamine, pickpocket,  and all the negative things I've ever experienced and had become addictive"

Yeah !! While the word love has never among us as a binder a definite relationship, but still this heart chose him remedy to the priesthood in my life.

18: 45 pm, I'm going to dress up and choose the best clothes me. I was ready to prepare myself as best as possible. However, this is not as usual. He came late, not as I thought. I looked at the clock to so many times. The seconds were running hard enough, while saturation has ruled me.

22: 36 pm, which I later he was present. Time passed, as if sculpture I ignored. Nothing short message it sends let alone a call to confirm the appointment will end in which he had made.

23: 01 pm. "It was, but where is he? Is he overslept? Or there is a bad thing happen? Therefore, he did not give the slightest news. "That's how my mind trying to guess.

I was annoyed at a time when it was. I've dressed up as pretty as possible with a closed clothes as he likes, but he who makes a promise not kept his promise. I decided to call him, to seek to know the true facts. But that my phone number was being inactive.

As my mind restless again, I'm really scared when he experienced something undesirable. I tried replied. But avail. Same as before. Inactive.

I would give up with all this. "Tomorrow I should look for to know his existence." I said in front of the glass.

Even so I still feel uneasy. I sat in a chair and wait his coming. Not later than the twenty minutes of my wait, I fell asleep.

Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door. I woke up, I looked at the clock. 00: 07 p.m. "Who is going to visit a night like this?" I thought to myself.

"Is it possible it is Raihan? but for what he comes late? Or could it be a ghost? "My fur rose and stood as a result of thinking about things that were not exist .

I tried to ignore it, because it could be a villain or a horde of bad guys !. Oh well I do not want to bother. I ignored it. However, the door was still on.

"Nur, open Nur" word by word that comes from the outside.

"Who? Who are you? "I replied.

"It's me, first, open Nur, I need your iodine and bandages Nur. Open up, I want to see. I hurt Nur, I had an accident in the way, so I was too late to come. "He said with a weak tone and moaning in pain.

I was very surprised to hear it. "What? Accident? ". I ran towards the door and immediately opened the door for him. With still gasping for breaths, I was surprised to see Raihan standing in front of  me.

There was not a single sign that shows that he had had an accident. Neat, clean, fragrance, hair and shiny shoes and his car was not an iota of damage.

I frowned to him.

"You're lying?" I asked

"Um, yes," he replied.

"What for?" I asked sarcastically

"To test you and to know your heart, whether you love me too" he replied

"You think this is funny? I do not like your way, I do not like how you mock me! "I said.

"No, that's not my intention Nur" he said.

"Raihan, this seems already very late. You'd better go home, this is not the time for jokes. Rest. I also want to sleep now. We'll talk tomorrow, ok! "I replied softly.

I also pulled the door shut and haste. However, he hold the door it from another angle.

"Go you, Go back. "I tried to hold my encouragement.

"Nur, please. Listen to me first "he said.

I stopped my encouragement. "Well what is it?" I said sarcastically.

"Happy Birthday, my dear" as he pulled out a pair of beautiful ring presented to me.

I was very surprised, how could I have forgotten my own birthday. Moreover I am so happy, because he was the first person who gave me a very beautiful ring and prayers are so abundant.

"Will you marry me?" He said with a half squat.

"What? You're kidding, right? "I replied, surprised.

"No, Nur, I'm serious. I think we both had enough age to get married. I could be your protector any time and you can be a good wife and mother to my children. "He said.

"But, What about your family? I will not be a burden to them. You are well educated, while I? I also come from a broken home. So how to your parents and your family can understand and accept me? "I said, uncertainly.

"If it's a problem, let that be my affair. Do not worry, we certainly get through this together. They certainly will love you. Because you've turned into a good woman. I'm sure they'll love you "he replied

"Butttt ...." My word

"Take it and wear this ring if you accept my proposal. If you reject it, take it out and give it to me back. "Strictly speaking.

I also took the ring. I doubt, I hesitated. I love him, but how I could, a woman like me can get into a respectable family like him.

I was still holding the ring. My heart beats so fast. My chest tightness, difficult to decide which option was in a hurry.

And finally I was confident with my path will take. I know this was a tough road, but I was sure I could accept the consequences of my decision this time.

I ignored my hand forward and back him of the ring to him.

"What? What is it Nur? You reject me? You do not love me?” He replied with a sad expression.

"Sorry!" I replied.

He lowered his head and said "Well, I will not disturb your life again! I hope you'll be happy even though it was not with me ".

"Stupid! Hahahahaha "I said while laughing seeing his expression times.

"Stupid? Why are you laughing Nur? I really do not understand, "He replied.

"I do not intend to return to this beautiful ring with a word of apology. I just wanted to ask you to enter the ring on my ring finger. Will you help me, my dear? "I replied while smiling happy.

"Really?" He immediately entered the ring to my sweet fingers so gentle. He immediately stood up and jumped happy. He hugged me so tight body.

"Thanks a lot my dear". She said as she hugged me.

"Well I'm going to talk about it to my parents". He told me.

The night was so beautiful taste. I've never been loved by a man who has thought up, he serious and love me for what it is. Really, I feel very happy when his was.

One week after that day. We prepare wedding supplies. We will be married in a simple way. Only attended by family and some close friends. I was reminded of my father and mother. How could I hold my wedding without my parents.

And in the end, Raihan and I decided to daddy and mother’s houses, to let me know this happy news. First, we decided to go my mother home. With 2-hour trip we finally arrived at that place and our purpose.

After we arrived at the in front of gate of the mom’s house, .I saw some little boys are playing bikes and some girls are holding Barbie doll and doll hair comb.

"Who are they? Why are they at my mom’s house? I never knew them before. Whether are they the mom’s children? But the advance of their age ranged from 7 to 10 years. "My heart muttered.

Suddenly, a fat-bodied men out of the main door and sat among the porch.

"Who are they Nur? Why they are in front of your mother home? "Asked Raihan to me.

"Don’t know, I do not know too." I replied.

And he and I stood in front of the gate. I call the middle-aged fat man and ask for what his existence here.

"Excuse me sir, may know, where his Madam. Yanti?" I asked

The fat man came up to me while answering my questions. "Madam. Yanti?"

"Yes sir, Madam. Yanti which formerly occupied this house." Ask me again.

"Oh,, yes yes .. 4 years ago the owner of this house is named Yanti. But I do not know where else now she is. "Said him.

I was very surprised to hear that statement. There was a feeling sad and anxious. I gazed Raihan. I was unable to linger - long there. I looked at the sky, trying to drown tears to be dripping.

The next morning, we went to the house of my daddy’s house. The house was so barren and unkempt. Grass - weeds, grow and thrive. Leaves of old guava leaf strewn on anywhere. And I remember the poorer been about 5 years, I never even saw  him and come home this.

Indeed, the times I felt very homesick. As no man's house, I was worried daddy not there. And I tried to knock the old door. I call my daddy of reproach window but no answer at all. I peeped from blemish window into the house, but which I found was just the goods that overwrite thick ash.

I'm not sure if my dad at home. Goods that could explain the long time ago my daddy was not home. We went out of the fence, and I ran into Madam Anum’s house, the best neighbor we advance.

"Excuses me, may I know where my daddy is??" I asked.

"Your daddy? You do not know what already happen to your daddy? The answer surprised.

"Happening what? Daddy? What do you mean Madam? "I asked again.

"Your daddy had died 3 years ago. He suffered of tuberculosis. "Clearly to me.

"What? Are you kidding right? My daddy did not leave? Tell me where is in fact he is Madam? "I asked again and tears fall dawn.

"No, I do not lie" she said.

At that time, it was like being snatched lightning and flashing over my head. I was very sad. I am a daughter who disobedience. I can’t hear the last breath of him. After my mom left my daddy, I was also abandoning him. God, look how bad I am!

Raihan and I decided to go to my daddy’s grave which isn’t far from daddy’s house. I was laying the flowers on the daddy’s grave and poured a bottle of water. My heart was very broken. A middle-aged man who I love in the form of a father, has left me far. Many prayers are pinned to my father, thousands sorry regret, and pray of the happiness in the marriage license.

I am 22 years old. And my wedding was held two weeks after that day. Without the presence of mom, daddy, or other family, I take this step with “bissmillah.” Running one of the Sunna Rassull, start a new life opened a new chapter.

I was wearing long white kebaya mixed gold color that Raihan choice to me. Raihan’s mom very friendly and kind to me as well as also with his father and other relatives. I feel has a new family. Really a new happiness.

On the first night, I stood on the balcony of our room and looked out. I enjoyed the view of the lights - a beautiful city lights with a cup of hot tea. Suddenly, Raihan approached me. He said:

"How are you doing Nur? Come to bed, it was late now. You're going to catch a cold, if stand too long here. "

"Yes, soon I will go." I replied, sipping tea.

"Nur," calling him

"Yes" I replied, staring eyes.

"There are things that I wanted to say to you, butt".

"But what?? But why dear? Say. I will listen to you. "I said softly

"Don’t you remember? The events of 17 years ago? "He asked, frowning.

"Event? What event? Really I do not understand, Have we ever meet in the past? "looked into his eyes.

"Yeah Nur, I am Raihan. One of your childhood friend. A friend who had nearly drowned with you and almost died in a fish pond beside the school. Do you remember? "He explained.

I immediately thought of the incident and I will grab, "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I'm telling the truth. I know where you were when you first enter the prison for interrogation and rehabilitation process. I found your data and during the allegation it is true. If you're a friend of my childhood and now has become a friend of my life. "He said, hugging me from behind.

"Why do not you tell the truth from the beginning?" I replied

"I'm sorry Nur, I think you would not object to this problem". And he said, pulling off his arms.

"Hem well, other times we need to be more opened each other. Never hide something even if it is the smallest of  the things. "I said softly.

"Nur, there is one more thing that I wanted to say to you." He said to me.

"Say," I replied

"Actually, no one from my family knows about your past. I never tell the real situation to them. "

"What do you mean this about the rehabilitation, I'm a pickpocket?" I asked, seriously.

"Yes, Nur. I'm sorry. I just prevent possible harm can come between our relationship. I'm afraid to lose you. "He replied.

"Really, I'm very disappointed!" I left him alone even though he had been calling my name for many times.

I think the storm in a household that was reasonable. Just how smart we are in married couple in overcoming any problems that come up in homes. Yes, that night I really mad at him. I was really disappointed.

Don’t know, maybe I was disappointed in my own self. Maybe I was disappointed with my own past that is so bad so my own husband was unable to reveal the truth to his family.

A Cute Angel

A twilight that touched my finger in the happiness.  A life filled with the puzzles made me understand to my existence. I'm from a family who has a broken home, depression due to problems of life that I could not see that, drug addiction, being a pickpocket, survival between the rigors of life on the streets and in the end I found him that take me back to the way of God.

I love him, marriage, big family and now he also has given my little family will be coming soon. Yes, I'm pregnant. I got pregnant after the wedding that walked 2 months. I was so happy, in the end I  got out of the dark valleys of life that once I went through.

In My age 22 who will be ahead of this year, I will soon be a young mother. A perfect wife. Oh God, thank you so much for the grace that has been given you.

I really enjoy for my pregnancy. I felt my mouth sour, my stomach feels queasy, I became flustered in smell - sweet too overpowering. Many requirements as requested by the candidate of my child. Begin of a reasonable request until slightly odd.

Some young mango which didn’t peeled, Sate Padang in one pack contain of 8 skewers, chicken fried that chicken must be aged one year. Ah, I do not want to the trouble. I don’t know. Actually, I did’t want to disturb him and other families. But what can i do, I can’t stand when not asked.

They were very kind to me, especially my mother-in-law, I was not allowed for a lot of work in kitchen. She always love me, like her own child. Raihan is the second child from three siblings. Every day, after the return to work, his face always be radiant. Really, I never felt an alien living there.

Awaited day finally arrived. My stomach ached and heartburn. I groaned in pain. But no one else can hear my feeble voice. I had difficulty walking, and eventually I stopped at the corner of the door.

I held tight my stomach. The taste was very sick it makes me so weak.

"My husband… Mommm, Sister Diniii" I called in a voice low.

Suddenly,  I saw Alif as a nephew who was passing in front of my room and stopped, dazed look at me.

"Alifff here boy, come here ... please call  your uncle Raihan, grandmother, or anyone there ok boy ...!" I pleaded pain.

Without answering my fate, Alif ran leave me. I was no longer able to withstand the pain. My head feels dizzy, my view as shaded. I couldn’t see an object clearly. Suddenly, my view black, it is dark.

I woke up from my unconscious. I looked at the roof is so awkward I guess. I felt uncomfortable on the oxygen tube inserted into my nose. And my right arm felt numb and heavy due to the infusion.

My stomach, feels light and slightly painful. "My Stomach? My Child? Where is she? "asked my heart and touching my stomach. Suddenly,  Raihan came to the door of hospital with a nurse.

"Nur, you're awake? Allhamdulilah O’ God "he said as he walked towards me and then stroked my hair

"Where is our baby? What has happened? "I asked as I looked into his eyes.

"Our baby is good Nur. Our baby is in the treatment room. She is born perfect. She is very beautiful as you ". He replied, kissing my forehead.

"God bless you" I replied.

"Last night you fainted, you spend a lot of blood. I was really worried then. Then I quickly brought you here. And the doctor proposes to undertake a major operation with several possibilities. I was really anxious that the times. But not anymore now. I'm really happy. I've managed to be a perfect man. "He said with a smile face filled with happiness.

Sister was replacing my infusion. She also checked my situation by doing check of my eyes, my heart rate and my blood pressure.

"Well, new Mom, everything is fine, and the survivors have become a young mother" she said as smiling and leave us alone.

Not long after, our mother, father, and other family enter into the room. Coming visited me with a happy face, congratulating words and brought me lots of fruit, bread and milk.

I'm happy. I feel the loneliness and solitude will never haunt me again.

"Honey, can I go see my baby?" I asked.

"Of course permissible Nur, let me right between you," he replied.

I was taken to the room where my baby is with the help of a wheelchair. I was really happy when it was. Not only born flawless, she is very pretty and white. Aquiline nose, eyelashes and thick black hair.

This is the third day I was in the hospital. I really did not want too long there. I asked to go faster what the doctor told about one week. But, after the doctor checked my physical condition, thedoctor allowed me to go home with a note I have to eat lots of vitamins and fiber.

Day - my day is so very colorful home. My happiness is true - absolutely perfect. I enjoyed all the roles that I have, as a daughter in law, a wife and a mother now.

"Honey, what is the appropriate name for our child?" I asked, holding my baby.

"Erm what about Princess? Or Syahila? "He replied

Suddenly, mom came and grabbed our conversation.

"What about Yana Aldila?" Asked Mom.

"Yana Aldila? Wow, Nur I guess it's a beautiful name. "Raihan replied to me.

"Yes Honey, I think it is like that. The name was so beautiful and I love it "I replied with a smile.

Since that is, the name Yana Aldila become our choice.

A few days later we made a simple celebration. There are so many families who come there. Not only Raihan’s big family, neighbors and Raihan’s friends also come and enjoy the showed that we made.

"Hi Nur, had long we don’t see."

I was surprised when I turned my face to the rear, it is the origin of the sound.

"Do you?" I said.

"Yes Nur, it's me!" He replied.

"Why are you here? Go .. Do not you ever try to interfere with my life again! "I said.

"Hahaha, you no need to panic as it is, Nur. I am here of course to respect and enjoy the show that you make. However, I was one of the big family from this family. I have long time ago to know your existence here, exactly when your wedding party. But do not worry! I will never dismantle your secrets. "He said to me.

"Secrets? Nur, secret what? "The voice was coming from the side. I was really surprised and suddenly turned. I shivered, as I know a mother who had asked me too.

"Em secret? There are no secrets anything mom. "Answer me.

"Do not lie! Say! Tell me immediately on!! "She said angrily. Yes, this is the first time I saw her angry to anyone. Perhaps she was very upset and deceived about.

Suddenly, Raihan came to me and mom. "What is this? We were having a celebration. But why contention here is? "He asked.

Raihan took us to a room. There, my mother in low asked the same question again. While I kept silent and did not know how to start. I looked into the eyes of Raihan full of fear and anxiety. He replayed blank stare to me. I look towards Hendi, cynical and satisfied captured clearly by me. I also looked at the mother's eyes as if, it were a burning fire that flame.

I bowed my head. I'm confused, what should I do. Raihan spoke. He explained all things related to my past, about why my parents divorced, I promiscuity ever intervenes, to survive in the harsh environment that I would not want to be a pickpocket. He explained everything so quiet to mom. He teld it all like what I've told him.

"That Mom, in fact I already know the bad of Nur. This is one of fault mom, Nur has told me to tell to you and others. But I fear that if you couldn’t accept Nur well. But Nur, I really do not know if the man jerk you told it to me is Hendi. If I know, and if he is not my brother, I will .. "Raihan has not even finished his speaking, Hendi interrupting.

"Will? Will what? will you hit me? Imprison me? Oh .. let’s up! I never afraid! "Hendi straightforward.

"Stoop!! Stop all this. Quite! Enough already. And you, Nur! Whatever your reasons. I do not want to have a daughter in law like you. And you, Raihan, please select your mother's or your wife! Divorce her, she's not just a pickpocket, alcoholic, consumer of narcotic, opponents, rebellious child to her parents, but she was also a woman who hypocrite! She hides everything from me. I already felt her as my own daughter." Those all are mom’s words that make me pain.

I am very sad to hear this. I couldn’t do anything.

"Mom I'm sorry, I was a bad woman. I don’t deserve this happiness. I do not deserve to be in the middle of this family "I said while fault the tears.

"Yes, you're so right, so what are you waiting for? Let's get out of here! And don’t you ever take Yana! "The mother said as he opened the door of the room.

"Thank you very much ma'am, for all the happiness you've given to me. Honey, I’ll go, keep your health well. No mom, Yana will come with me. She still needs my care. Excuse me. "I was leaving the room and wept - bitterly.

I ran toward Yana and lift off the swing. All the people present there staring at me and asked what was happening to me. But I clam up and away from the house by carrying Yana.

Oh God, I really do not know want to go anywhere. I do not have a definite purpose. Oh God why are you also punish Yana due to my sin? I traced the streets, I do not know which direction the legs will carry me.

“Nurrrr…”

I even turn round. "Raihan!"

"Nur, stop! When will you want to go? Go back! Yana so pity. She iss too young, she does not just need you as a mother. She needs me. Go back Nur, back!... "said Raihan from the other side of the road.

"No, you go home honey. I do not want to ruin your relationship with your mother. I do not want to see you more sad and ashamed of my past!. Go back, I promise to keep Yana well. "Said me.

I was running away from him. He did not listen to my words, he was chasing me until at last I heard he rippling again.

"Nuuuur ..............."

"GRUBAAAAAAK"

I gasped, my eyes glared up with a blank stare. I hear the scream out of the people. I looked back and ...

"Oh God, Don’t you tired of giving the ordeal of this on me?"

He lying in the street, his head covered in blood. Agency also crowded roads affected by droplets and splashes of blood. I ran towards it. Not a single word was able to get out of my mouth. Just tear dripping one by one that may be able to describe how the fragility of my heart.

"Nur, I love you. Keep Yana well. Be a good woman. Don’t Nur! Don’t ever go back to your past. Promise me.. "His last words before departure.

"Oh my God, what am I doing to him? What the crime else have I done? What should I say to his mother and the other? O God, when this suffering will end? When are you going to test my tired. I'm tired O my God. I'm tired!! "I said in my heart, crying hugging her bodies already in staying away his soul.

At that moment I felt that if God never fair to me. He goes on and on my test. He gave me good people, as I love them He also called them back to leave me forever.

That;['s the story of my life that has been outlined by God to me. Yana has now been turned into a 11-year-old girl. I became a single parent and a widow. We live in a rented house is simple. I sell various kinds of fried to connect my life. Yes, the result of selling is not comparable to the resulting of pilfer.

However, I've promised to keep Yana to Raihan. I do not want to see Yana be like me in past. Therefore I was educated and raised in a way that in the blessed God.

Over time I understand, if all this is just my life journey full of color. And happiness does not always have to be striped of glitz and hustle. Living like this, as simple as this, together with Yana, I feel very happy. Look at Yana’s growing to be a smart and independent girl who I felt did not want to ask another thing to get over the happiness to God....

My mother in law and other family? They already know and understand me and never questioned again about my past. They also do not blame me for the Raihan’s death. They often visited Yana as their granddaughter and nieces.

And that care, it was enough for me and Yana.

****

Name of the author is Riah and her complete name is Basyariah. Basyariah was born on 9, January 1994 Medan. Basyariah is  a student of English Literature A’ 2012. Beside that Riah is one of member in Theater LKK (Lakon Kesenian Kampus) State University of Medan in. Riah’s hobbies are traveling and take some beautiful scene and also write some poems and short stories then upload the writing on social media like blog.